Financial Abuse: The Silent Red Flag Most Women Miss
They called it "helping with finances." I called it love. But when I couldn't buy coffee without permission, I realized this wasn't protection—it was prison. Here's how financial abuse works and how to break free.
of domestic violence survivors report experiencing financial abuse
Yet most women don't recognize it until it's too late
It started innocently enough. "Let me handle the bills, babe. You have enough stress at work." He set up autopay for everything, consolidated our accounts, and handled all the "boring money stuff." I felt taken care of, protected even.
Six months later, I was standing in a coffee shop, my card declined for a $4 latte. When I called him, confused and embarrassed, he sighed like I was a child who'd lost her lunch money. "You overspent this week. I had to adjust your limit."
That's when it hit me: I had no access to my own money. No idea what we had or where it went. I was 28 years old and asking permission to buy coffee.
Financial abuse is the most overlooked form of domestic violence, affecting nearly 8 out of 10 abuse survivors. It's insidious because it masquerades as care, love, or traditional gender roles. But make no mistake—controlling someone's access to money is about controlling their ability to leave.
What Is Financial Abuse?
Financial abuse is the illegal or unauthorized use of a person's money, property, or assets. It's a form of domestic violence that involves controlling a victim's ability to acquire, use, and maintain financial resources.
Key Warning: Financial abuse is never about money—it's about power.
The goal isn't to save money or "be responsible." It's to create dependence, limit options, and maintain control.
The Tactics: How Financial Abuse Unfolds
Financial abusers use sophisticated strategies that often start subtly and escalate over time. Here are the most common tactics:
Taking Over Financial Management
How it looks: "Let me handle the bills, you're so busy" or "I'm better with money than you are."
What's really happening: They're gaining control of all accounts, passwords, and financial decisions. You lose visibility into your own finances.
Real example: He insisted on handling all our finances because I was "too stressed" from work. Within months, I had no idea what we earned, spent, or owed. When I asked to see our bank statements, he accused me of not trusting him.
Workplace Interference
How it looks: Constant calls/texts during work, showing up unannounced, creating drama that affects your job performance.
What's really happening: They're trying to get you fired or make you quit so you become financially dependent.
Real example: He would call me 15+ times during important meetings, claiming "emergencies" that were never real emergencies. When my boss mentioned the disruptions, he convinced me to quit "for our relationship."
Excessive Spending Surveillance
How it looks: Questioning every purchase, demanding receipts, setting arbitrary spending limits, monitoring bank statements obsessively.
What's really happening: They're creating an environment where you feel guilty for any financial independence.
Real example: I had to text him before buying anything over $20. Groceries, gas, even work supplies. He'd quiz me about every line item and make me feel wasteful for buying basic necessities.
Secret Financial Obligations
How it looks: Opening accounts in your name, using your credit, taking out loans or credit cards without your knowledge.
What's really happening: They're creating financial chaos that makes leaving seem impossible.
Real example: I discovered he'd opened three credit cards in my name and maxed them out. My credit score went from 780 to 520 in six months. Leaving meant dealing with debt I didn't even know existed.
Blocking Access to Resources
How it looks: Hiding assets, denying access to bank accounts, refusing to provide money for basic needs, controlling passwords and account access.
What's really happening: They're creating artificial scarcity to maintain control.
Real example: He removed my name from our joint account but kept me responsible for joint bills. I had no access to money but was still liable for our shared expenses.
Recognize the Pattern?
You're not crazy, and you're not bad with money. Get the complete guide to identifying financial manipulation and protecting your economic independence.
🎧 Get "The Worst Boyfriends Ever" - $7.99How Financial Abuse Disguises Itself
Financial abuse is particularly insidious because it often masquerades as caring, traditional, or practical behavior. Here's how to see through the disguises:
⚠️ When "Traditional" Becomes Controlling
Traditional roles are negotiated and agreed upon. Control is imposed and non-negotiable.
Healthy partners help you improve financial skills. Abusers use your mistakes to justify taking control.
Real financial planning involves both partners. Secret decisions aren't protection—they're control.
When you can't see the budget or bank statements, "we can't afford it" really means "I don't want you to have it."
Protecting Yourself: Financial Independence Strategies
Whether you're in a relationship now or want to prevent future financial abuse, these strategies can help you maintain economic independence:
If You're Experiencing Financial Abuse Now
You're Not Trapped—You Have Options
Financial abuse makes leaving feel impossible, but there are resources and strategies specifically designed to help you regain economic independence.
Immediate Steps You Can Take:
- Document Everything: Screenshots of accounts, photos of important documents, records of spending restrictions
- Find Hidden Money: Cash back at grocery stores, small amounts from various sources that won't be noticed
- Secure Important Documents: Birth certificate, Social Security card, passport, bank statements—keep copies in a safe place
- Understand Your Rights: You have the right to access joint accounts and know about shared debts
- Plan Carefully: Don't leave immediately if it puts you in danger. Plan strategically with professional help
Breaking Free: My Financial Recovery Journey
Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had $47 in my secret account, credit cards I didn't know about, and no clear picture of my financial reality. But here's what I learned:
The damage wasn't permanent. Credit can be rebuilt. Debt can be addressed. Bank accounts can be restored. The financial destruction felt overwhelming, but it was fixable.
I was stronger than I thought. Managing my own money wasn't as scary as he'd made it seem. I wasn't "bad with money"—I just hadn't been allowed to practice.
Financial independence is everything. The first time I bought something without asking permission, I cried in the store. Freedom has a price tag, and it's worth every penny.
Your Money, Your Power
Don't let anyone control your financial future. Get the complete roadmap to recognizing financial abuse, protecting your assets, and building true economic independence.
Narrated by Deacon Deane • 7.5 hours • Your guide to financial freedom
Resources for Financial Abuse Survivors
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (financial abuse specialists available)
- National Foundation for Credit Counseling: Free credit counseling and debt management
- IDA (Individual Development Accounts): Matched savings programs for survivors
- NNEDV Economic Justice Program: Comprehensive financial empowerment resources
- Local Legal Aid: Free legal help for financial abuse cases
About Aleks Filmore
Aleks Filmore is an indie LGBTQ author who writes about love, loss, and aftermath with sharp wit and emotional realism. His breakout memoir-in-essays, The Worst Boyfriends Ever, turned private chaos into connection and became a sleeper hit, reaching #1 in several Amazon rankings and earning praise from readers for its wit, candor, and painfully accurate portraits of modern dating.